The Open Pulpit: Blessing or Curse?

By: Ronan - September 13, 2005

There is one indisputable fact about Mormonism, something that not even those pesky Signature Books-types can call into question, something so true that no FAIR-defense can deny:

Mormons say CRAZY things from the pulpit.

Everyone knows this. Missionaries sweat about bringing investigators to Sacrament meeting ("I do hope the talks aren’t CRAZY"). Fast and Testimony meeting is worse ("will Brother CRAZY get up?") My ward, in an effort to get people to bring their friends to church, has set a date where specially selected non-CRAZY people will talk.

I’m sure everyone has their favourite bizarre sacrament meeting moment. Mine is of a brother in England who demonstrated that "evolution can’t be true as humans and monkeys have one crucial difference: humans have sex face to face."

Cue sinking into the pew agony.

For a missionary church, so bothered about PR, it’s a wonder we have an open pulpit policy where anything goes. Some of us intellectual snobs crave a well-honed homily from a multi-degreed priest. To allow Sister DeWalt to drawl on about wringing the necks of chickens with a prayer in her heart is a crime. IT’S A CRIME!

But here’s the truth: I have long thought that the Mormon open pulpit is both our curse and our blessing. Once in a while, something so heart-felt, so uncontrived graces the pulpit, that it is worth a decade of craziness. In the household of God, all are equal. Even the weird ones who say CRAZY stuff. There’s a wonderful practicality to all this too: I have absolutely no fear of public speaking, something I ascribe in large part to having given my first talk when I was 9. I talked about Elijah and the priests of Baal. I don’t think it was crazy.

In the end, madness I can forgive. Just don’t bore me.

Tragic Event Forces Man To Spend Rest Of Life Confined To Office Chair

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The life of college graduate Ben Larsen was forever changed earlier this decade when the once outgoing and carefree student succumbed to a job offer at a local CPA firm, an unforeseen and tragic event that will most likely keep him confined to an office chair for the rest of his life.

While he can sometimes rise from his office chair under his own power, Larsen said he can only do so with "great difficulty."

While many details remain unclear, it is now believed that Larsen lost any and all upward mobility moments after being hired for an auditing position at Hansen, Barnett & Maxwell in January 2003. According to several eyewitnesses at the scene, the impact of Larsen's full-time employment was so sudden and crushing that it has left the former active young man paralyzed in front of his work computer screen ever since.

"You hear stories about it all the time, but you never think that something like this is going to happen to you," said Larsen, who now spends most days trapped inside a windowless cubicle, and only leaves his office chair in order to use the bathroom. "It's funny: One minute you have your entire future ahead of you, and the next thing you know, you practically need someone to drag you out of bed in the morning."

Due to Larsen's condition, simple, everyday tasks such as grocery shopping, walking his dog, or even just cleaning up after himself have become virtually impossible feats. In addition, Larsen admitted that he has been forced to abandon a number of his favorite activities, from hiking, rock climbing to just kicking his feet up and playing nerdy role playing games.

Larsen, who claims to have lost "all sense of purpose" due to this harrowing turn of events, is already finding it difficult to remember a time when he "didn't feel completely numb."

"People keep telling me that it's going to get easier, that I won't always be stuck in this position, but right now, every minute of every day is a struggle," Larsen said.

In recent weeks, Larsen has also found himself requiring the aid of various stimulants and drugs, such as caffeine, sugar, and even Diet Rock Star, just to get through the day. Worse yet, those close to the once lively 36-year-old report that he has become almost entirely dependent on computers to communicate with those around him.

"I realize that what happened to Ben is nobody's fault, but still I sometimes wish I could have my old buddy back," said longtime friend Menges, who recently visited Ben in his cubicle. "At first I tried pretending like nothing had changed, but every time I looked at him all I could see was that…that chair."

News of Larsen's debilitating employment has left his loved ones shocked and feeling helpless.

"Ben had such a bright future—he could have gone on to do anything he wanted," said CJ Larsen, who claimed that he almost didn't recognize his brother. "To see him like this now, in that button-down dress shirt and those pleated slacks, it's almost too much to bear."

"He didn't deserve this," he added. "Nobody deserves this."

While Larsen has often thought about quitting for good, one thing has kept him going through it all.

"Sometimes I imagine what a relief it would be if I just gave up all together, if I never had to deal with another weekday ever again," Larsen said. "But then I think about my school loans, mortgage and my credit card debt, and I know I have no choice but to keep going."