Everything I know about Parenting, I learned from owning a dog

Lesson: First of all, don't take a dog into an environment that is going to create situations where the dog is going to 'misbehave' by simply being a dog. This is frustrating to the owner and ends up with a dog that gets disciplined over and over. You end up with a confused dob with a sore butt and a frustrated owner who wonders why he tries to spend time for such a naughty dog.

Case in point:
I had to plant flowers in my yard. Knowing my dog is sorely neglected, I let her out to run around and spend some quality time with the old man. Every time I dug a hole, the dog would jump the carefully sculpted mound of dirt, stick its nose in the hole and smash the flowers that I had pulled which had been previously pulled from their plastic, protective shell.

After swatting the bitch a few dozen times, I finally had the presence of mind to lock her up until I was finished and then played ball with her. The act of locking her up may have seemed cruel, but I was clearly doing both of us a favor and then could focus on her and have fun.

Lesson: Discipline quickly and often over small things and establish clear boundaries of behavior. Micromanage has negative connotations in this world of ours, but that is the adult world. Dogs love micromanagement and crave the attention and they will be understand their role in the world well before they perform an act so heinous that there is no recourse.

Case in Point:
The first time my dog started barking at night, I went on patrol and kept my shoes by the bed and my shorts and t-shirt on. Every time she barked, I went out and said in a loud, menancing whisper, "Shutup". After three times, I grabbed a broom a put it to dog flesh. Rapped her right on the rump and yelled "shutup", then I hit the broom on the ground next to her head three times and yelled "shutup" each time. It only took one more trip out that night before she got it. And though she has barked a few times, it has been infrequent and usually for something very disturbing to her like fireworks, firetrucks, other dogs, etc. And she knows very well what 'shutup' means.

I found a few items of mine chewed up one day. I wanted to put an end to it and made a big deal. I kept yelling no, show the glove, throw it down right in front of her face, yelled no again. Threw it AT her a few times; chased her around the yard yelling no, then put her in the dog run. She ended up chewing only a few more things, with accompanying displays of anger and outrage by me, until she was done. Just this past week, I felt comfortable and safely left out my work gloves and $130 leather boots and she doesn't touch them.

I similarly took precautions against her jumping up on me. Though this one is not as refined, because I sometimes let her lean against me when I'm in work clothes. So what she does now is give me a 2 second window when she rears up and when she puts her feet on me. If I'm in good clothes, that is enough time to say no and back up. A puppy that barks, chews and jumps around at will is soon to be a dog that nobody wants to have around. A 4 year old kid who tells his dad to shutup and punches him without a slightest reprimand or correction will turn into a teenager who tells his dad to F@(*0ff and gets his girlfriend pregnant.